An Xcaliba Christmas Carol

December 21, 2011

in Funny

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens – first published 19th December, 1843

The festive season is upon us and 2012 is the bi-centenary of the birth of Charles Dickens, so in keeping with both we thought we’d share our version A Christmas Carol with you……

An Xcaliba Christmas Carol in Prose

(Or Sorry Dickens – don’t take it to heart)

The Players

Ebenezer Screws – David

Bob Itchit– Gavin

The Ghost of Print Past – Martyn

Our story opens in the candle-lit offices of Xcaliba. It’s five-thirty on Christmas Eve and Bob Itchit starts packing up for the day.

“I suppose you’ll be wanting tomorrow off then?” Ebenezer says as he glares over his glasses.  “It is Christmas Mr Screws” replied Bob.  Screws mutters something under his breath about black and white striped minty sweets and Bob departs to spend Christmas with his family in Old LutonTown.

Screws carries on working at his PC, Googling for pictures of nice, new, shiny printing presses.  As he drools and covets over the images of Heidelberg presses he doesn’t notice the candle flame flickering as a cold, icy draft breezes through the office. 

A voice whispers in the wind “Screeeeeeeeews!  Screeeeeeeeews!”.

“Who’s there?” demands Ebenezer “Is that you Bob?  Have you come back to finish off those estimates for Richard?”

“No Screws, it is I, the Ghost of Print Past”  A feint spectre appears before Ebenezer.  He is dressed in bib & braces, wearing a leather apron and has a visor on his forehead.

“Get out of here” screeches Screws  “you have no right to be here.  Your time has long gone.  Now is the time of digital and all things shiny”.

“No, Screws” wails the ghost “you have allowed yourself to be enticed by the dark side”  (at this point there is a brief pause as Screws looks quizzically at the Ghost, realising that he’s mixing genre references; and then the Ghost continues)  “You have forgotten the true meaning of print, Screws.  The blood and sweat of generations of press-minders before you; toiling for hours over a simple single colour letterhead.  Do you not remember when proofs took five days to produce and every lead-time was ten days minimum?”

“Get thee gone Ghost! Our clients wouldn’t put up with that sort of thing”.  Screws stands up from his desk.  “This is Xcaliba.  We embrace all technological advancement.  We relish new challenges.  We strive for perfection”  Screws bangs his desk with clenched fist.

The Ghost of Print Past has a frown upon his face.  “Alright mate, take it easy. Blimey, I was only saying like.  Suit yourself.”   With that the candle flickers once more and the image of the ghost begins to fade away.  It hesitates as it shimmers and says “Don’t s’pose you fancy a quick beer after work do you?”.   “Sure” says Screws “who’s buying?”.

The End.


And finally…

Christmas is the season to be jolly but it can be at time of real hardship for some.  Regardless of your theological leanings, it is poignant to think of all of those that may not be having such a great time at this time of year.

Poverty, bereavement, illness – if, at the very least, we all spend a little time contemplating the trials and woes of those not so well off as us; then maybe we’re someway in making sure it really is the season of peace and goodwill.

All the team at Xcaliba wishes everyone a merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year; and in the words of Tiny Tim – God bless us, one and all!

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Gad Simon December 21, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Thank you for your good wishes and I return the same to you 3.
What did Tiny Tim mean when he said Gold bless us one and all?


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