I am Spawn and I lead the legions of Hell!

June 29, 2011

in Funny

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A short story from Martyn.

Apologies to the few of you who have heard this story before but even though it happened a few years ago, it does still tend to raise a smile. Everything you are about to read happened, although the expletives have understandably been amended to protect the feint-hearted…

I used to play in a pub quiz team at the local pub – it was the Red Lion in Harlington High Street – I used to live in Harlington, Hayes up until 9 years ago. Anyway, we always did pretty well, getting 1st or 2nd place most weeks and we called ourselves ‘The Dream Team’; mainly to upset the other teams and locals.

At the end of that November, the pub decided that for that December they would run 3 accumulative weeks with the team with the highest score on the 3rd week being the Christmas winner. There was going to be a ‘party’ on the final night with food, prizes and fancy dress. We decided that as ‘The Dream Team’ we would all go dressed as super-heroes.

Anyway I missed the first 2 weeks through work commitments and thought I was going to miss the 3rd as well. Client entertaining, parties etc always dominated my December calendar in those days. My plans dropped out and so I called my ‘friend’ Damon to say that I could actually make the 3rd night.

“Great” says Damon “What are you doing about your costume?”.

M – “Blast – I’d forgotten all about it, I’ll phone you back and let you know. What are you going as?”

D – “I’m going a Superman, Vic’s going as Spiderman and Boz is going dressed as King Tut from Batman”

I put the phone down, picked up the Yellow Pages (this was in the days when we still used Yellow Pages) and called the nearest costume hire place. They told me they had loads of super-hero costumes and that I should pop down and to try some on. Well I got there and found a really lairy costume for a Marvel character called ‘Spawn’. Spikey arm and thigh bands, contoured rubberized chest plate, skull cod-piece, cloak and stocking mask. Martyn calls back Damon and tells him we’re ‘cooking with gas’.

I get home and find some black boots, black gloves etc and after a quick bite to eat, start getting dressed. In the process of putting the costume I notice that it’s torn in a corner.

M – “can you stitch this back for me?”

S – “there’s no point – you’ll take it off when you get there”

M – “c’mon, we’re the Dream Team – I’m not taking it off”

S dutifully repairs me.

Phone goes – its Damon

D –“what time you getting down here?”

M – “I’ll be there in 10 minutes, can you pick me up?”

D – “No, stuff that. I had to walk…you can walk”

Phone down

M – “Oooh-err , I’ve got to walk to the pub”

S – “Well you can’t wear your mask”

M – “I can’t NOT wear the mask otherwise someone will recognise me!”

So…Sue waves me off and Spawn goes down the pub.

As I’m walking along the high street, cloak blowing in the wind (and I am wearing my mask). People are passing me in cars with their jaws dropping, mouthing the words “what the…”. You get the picture.

I get to the door of the pub and, you know sometimes when you’re embarrassed (I do get embarrassed about some things) you over-play it with bravado? Well I remembered a line from the film ‘Spawn’ and I throw the pub door open, jump in, arm raised and shout “I am Spawn and I lead the legions of Hell!”

Now, you may have seen it coming as you were reading this story and lord knows when I think back I wonder how I didn’t but of course no one, and I mean NO ONE, was wearing fancy dress. After shouting my intro I noticed that the pub was heaving and everyone was rolling around the floor with tears of laughter pouring down their faces. I had been well and truly got! There were people there that had been waiting since 7pm to see me and it was now 9pm. Even Sue was in on it! Apparently Damon said “what about your costume?” as an off-the-cuff wind-up that afternoon and because I took the bait, the rest was all my own doing.

After getting over the shock and my initial anger (mostly with myself) I saw the funny side of it. And yes, I did keep the costume on all night.

After all – we were ‘The Dream Team’

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